Well Deserved
Beware of the water!
A lifetime of work winding down in a crammed clerk’s office, not unlike mine, just on the wrong side of the desk. A whole career as a mid-tier officer of the Alien Affairs Agency, the iconic triple-A, with the last ten Zrothean solar cycles heading up a small subcommittee in the Emerging Species Taskforce for a tiny, insignificant planet on a shit end of the Galaxy.
Here it is, a crumb of rock, smug with all its oceans, forests and lightshows of the primitive cities, teeming with all kinds of life. Blue and green wrapped in a cottony white of the clouds, beaming at me from a yellowing poster on the wall. Terra, as per the official AAA designator.
I shift in my seat as the portal on the far wall whooshes open, disgorging a willowy figure of the clerk.
“Sooooo soooo sorry to keep you waiting, colleague Kyukrok.” He mouths.
“No problem at all. It’s not that I’m in a hurry.” I joke. Nobody laughs.
“Riiiiight, okay, let’s see…” the clerk drawls, leafing through a folder on his desk, “it says here that your exemplary service record has earned you a nice retirement plan. Congratulations!”
I just nod in acknowledgement.
“Am I correct to assume that you will be choosing the transfer procedure before your body is decommissioned?”
“That would be the purpose of my visit to the retirement orientation, wouldn’t it?”
“Right’o. Right’o.” He says. “Oooookay, have you had time to consider what lesser creature you’d be willing to transfer your consciousness to?”
“Yes. A young Sho’ra bear on my home planet Zroth would be nice.” I rattle out. A no-brainer, really.
“Whoa whoa, hold your horses… pardon my Terran.” The clerk backs up, his voice raised an octave. “Just because you have a retirement plan, doesn’t mean you have a premium option of interstellar transfer. I’m afraid you’ll need to choose from the local fauna, which, I assure you, is ample.”
I had to try, I suppose.
“May I interest you in a fascinating aquatic creature Lobster? They’re long-lived, can regrow limbs, and remain sexually active throughout their lives.” A clerk gives me conspiratorial wink then reaches for a bulky Terran Lifeforms Encyclopedia and uses a sticker to turn it to a picture of grayish, clawed crustacean.
“Is this a joke?” I perk up. “The water is deadly to us!”
“Haha, yes, to our bodies, but you won’t be using yours for much longer, will you?” He winks.
“No thanks.” I shake my head. “Ytska, my next-door neighbor, went with something called a Dolphin last year. Didn’t last a Terran week before going batshit cuckoo after being submerged in the substance she spent a life avoiding at all costs.”
“Fair enough.” The clerk nods. “I guess that rules out my next suggestion too—the magnificent Mantis Shrimp. A pity, really. That baby is badass! Did you know that it can kick with such a force that…”
“No! Water!” I cut his tirade short.
“Gotcha. Gotcha.” The clerk theatrically pistol-fingers at me. “How would you feel about inhibiting a Human instead? The suitable candidates are subject to a strict quota—understandably so; we don’t want to create a panic—but I’m sure I could slot you in. Less elegant than you and me here, but still pretty capable. More or less an apex predator, if we don’t count mosquitos of course. Impressively developed cognitive function… oh sorry, I tend to get carried away, you know all there is to know about this animal yourself already. You’ve been coordinating their so-called civilization for quite some time after all.”
“Pass.” I blurt out. “The social dynamics are too complex to navigate. Behavioral ruleset—both written and implied—is vast and geo-dependent. Prone to illogically violent behavior on individual and macro scale. No universal communication protocols. Nope, being Human, it’s just too much work.”
“Indeed, not what you’d imagine as a carefree relaxed retirement.” Agrees the clerk, scratching his head. “Come to think of it, I happened to mention a Horse earlier…”
“What about that one?” I point at a poster, hanging way back, cutting the clerk off.
“Oh, that.” He says, visible irritation taking over his face. “A boring classic. I strongly advise considering a Horse…”
“He looks like he’s quite enjoying himself.” I interrupt him once again.
“Well, haha,” He chuckles more nervously than the situation warrants, “it’s… too easy, so to speak. Zero social responsibility or obligations. Polygamous without any rules on sexual activity. Good at manipulating other species, yet harboring no empathy even for their own siblings. Dominating without any effort. And… it’s way overused. You’re very likely to keep running into acquaintances from your current life, you know. Like I said, boring.”
I get up and lean closer to the clerk. “Let’s get the paperwork started.”
***
The post-procedure disorientation takes me by surprise. One moment I’m entering the scan chamber on Lab Ship KJ-669, the other, and there’s no way to put it elegantly, I wake up lying in a giant female Human’s lap with her huge palm stroking my back.
And the first thing I see when my eyes snap open is a transparent container, full of… WATER!
Panicked, I jump up, startling the Human, and scream an order, “take that shit away from me!”, although it comes out as a rather intimidating yowl. The stroking stops, yet the big creature does not commence fulfilling my command, staring at me dumbly. Stupid, primitive life form!
Reluctantly, I extend my arm, which, I must admit, looks fabulous with razor sharp talons emerging when I flex it, and tentatively nudge the container, evoking a rather shrill sound of encouragement from the Human.
Emboldened, I raise the paw and slam it on the side of the water bomb with everything I have.
Check out a narrated video version of this story:
😂😂 this is hilarious dude
This was super fun satirical Sci-fi. I actually listened to the audio version, which was nicely narrated as well.